
I am so thankful that my savior lives.
Most of my friends, relatives, readers, and those who have ever heard me speak know that I have a prodigal past. I talk about it pretty openly when it is appropriate for sharing what God has done in my life. Until recently, I thought those horrible things I did as I walked further away from God only affected my life and my family. I knew some of my choices hurt my parents deeply. I never thought of others I might have touched with the wake of my out of control sin.
During almost six years of living from one desperate act to the next, I made many stupid choices. I was desperate to be loved and accepted. I was desperate to survive and often, I was desperate for something that would make me feel okay with myself. I longed for peace in my spirit, but I didn’t believe that it was as simple as trusting in a God I could not see or feel.
I surrounded myself with people who seemed to love me and put my trust in the latest group of friends. Only to be disappointed when they couldn’t give me what I needed to be at peace with my life. No matter what I tried to do it was never enough.
One night, close to the end of my rope, I contemplated my life and the worthlessness of it. I already knew how much I would drink so that I would have the courage to end the pain I was causing my family and everyone I touched. My only fear was that if I took my life, my pain would never end. There was no doubt in my mind that God was real, the Bible was true, and Jesus was the savior of the world. I just did not believe that God cared about me. I had been disappointed too many times, so perhaps, I thought, I was not one of the elect that would get to spend eternity in the presence of a God that seemed to pick and choose which of His creation he would love. (That was not what I was taught growing up, none the less, it was my frame of mind as the enemy closed in on my soul.)
I’m sure the low-cut jeweled shirt and short skirt I wore said more than I realized at the time. I didn’t recognize the bus driver, but it wasn’t unusual to find a sub on the route. As I took my seat at the front, he turned toward me. He didn’t say anything, but his sideward glance made me incredibly uncomfortable.
We were about half way to my stop when he looked my direction again. This time he spoke. “So, what do your parents think of your lifestyle?
“What they don’t know, doesn’t hurt them.”
The cliché felt like acid in my throat. I knew I had hurt them, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“Okay,” He looked me straight in the face as he waited for a red light to change. “What does God think of your lifestyle?”
I wanted to tell him what I thought of his questions. But I didn’t.
“He probably doesn’t like it too much.”
The light turned green. I was glad this intrusive driver had to put his eyes back on the road.
“So, if you died tonight, would you go to Heaven or Hell?”
I wanted to ask him who he thought he was. But I didn’t.
“I don’t really want to think about that.” I turned toward the back of the bus, hoping he would stop asking questions.
“You know, God loves you. He wants to bless you and he wants you to trust him.”
His words came just as we reached my stop, but I didn’t ring the bell. He stopped anyway. Opening the door, he asked if I was getting off. I wanted to. But I didn’t.
I rode the entire route with the substitute driver until we got back to my apartment. He handed me a scrap of paper with scripture references on it.
“Do you have a Bible?”
“Yes, I think it’s on the shelf in my closet.”
I wasn’t sure what to think about the bold bus driver, but I knew I had a lot of thinking to do.
That trip through Vista and Oceanside, California with Gary the bus driver was just the beginning of the amazing people God was going to put in my life to bring me to His grace and mercy through Jesus Christ.
Eventually, I turned my life over to God completely. It was difficult to understand at first, but knowing that God’s grace was sufficient, and that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was big enough, even to cover the sins in my life was hard for me to receive at first.
The first time I realized that my sin was gone, cast as far as the east is from the west, and that God would never hold it against me again, I cried for hours. The love that filled my soul at that moment was like nothing I had ever known. I was on my way to becoming whatever God had planned for my life. A life He created for a purpose in His plan for mankind.
Walking with the Lord, being obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit and trusting God for my life, even during tough times brought me through more trials, temptations, sickness and struggles…always knowing God had me in the palm of His hand. I rarely thought of my six year journey through godlessness. Even when I gave my testimony, I was careful to talk about things I did that my audience would understand. I talked openly about my alcohol abuse, my promiscuity and the financial binds I put my parents through. There was more, and I knew it, but I didn’t think it mattered since nothing I had done ever really hurt anyone else. I could be honest and transparent without dredging up every sin I had ever committed. After all, they were forgiven.
I have always known that forgiveness does not mean that we don’t face consequences for our actions. In fact, while God’s grace is sufficient to bring us through those consequences, they do exist. It is the natural order of the world as God created it. No action is benign. Sometimes, even years later, we must face our past mistakes in order to make restitution, amends or to let God work in our life, or the lives of others.
As I said, I knew my life had caused pain for my family. We worked through that years ago, and my parents forgave me, actually showing me the perfect example of God’s forgiveness and unconditional love as I was finding my way back to the faith they taught me as a child.
What I did not know, was that someone else had been hurt by my horrible choices and the stupid things I did out of desperation. That is, until I reconnected on facebook with an old friend from “those days”. After a discussion about the Lord, and how much I knew I would be dead, were it not for Christ and the Grace of God, I mentioned that he probably remembered the person I was back then. He did remember. In fact he also remembered the pain I had caused someone else who had been a mutual friend of ours.
My heart broke that something I did had caused pain to someone else. Pain, he said that lasted until the past couple of years. But I didn’t know what to do about it. More than 20 years later, there was nothing that could change what I had done. I asked him to help me find her.
He located her quickly, and I sent her an email. I don’t know what will happen through this, but I do know, that His Grace is sufficient for me. More than anything, it was imperative that she know how sorry I am that I hurt her or affected her life in any negative way. The Word of God is clear, if we know we have offended someone, or caused harm, we must go to that person and try to make restitution.
I pray that God will use this to not only show me more of Himself, but to reach out to her in a supernatural way. Not because of me…but because of what He is still doing in my life and my heart. There will never be a day that I can say God is finished with the process of perfecting my faith, until I stand before Him at the threshold of eternity. Until then, as he calls to mind any sin or hurt in my life, that I have not given to Him, I must have integrity in repenting before God and in expressing my contrition to anyone I may have hurt during my unfaithfulness.
Thank you God, for giving me the chance to repent, and turn from every wicked thing that has ever been in my heart or life.